How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Someone signed my nipple.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
