i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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