I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My penis needs a shock collar
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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