Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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