it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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