Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize