My friends, they love my intelligence
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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