I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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