You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
