i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
