if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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