My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
