i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
