Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
