Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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