It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
