my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
