laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
