I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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