i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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