her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
