And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
