My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We left the knife in your bed.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
