Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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