when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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