I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Randomize
