happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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