I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
