You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
