you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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