Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
