Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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