i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who died my cat blue again?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
