One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
