Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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