I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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