Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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