I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
