Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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