My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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