I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
