Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I will pee on everything he values.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Randomize
