..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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