we have pet lesbian snakes
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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