this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
