Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
