Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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