I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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