You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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