Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
