I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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