so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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