for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
