I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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