When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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